Theory of Relativity...

...as explained by eighth grader K in the "comments" section of her practice log:

"Why is it that 40 mins on facebook goes by so quickly, but 40 minutes of practicing seems like an eternity?"


It seems that although she is young, she is certainly ready for the demands of college.

Passing Notes Part...5?

This note was confiscated in a second grade music classroom, sometime before recess and after morning snack:


"L,

Come to the bathroom at recess for sex.

Bring chips and drinks.
- D"

This is obviously not my story, since I don't teach elementary school. If nothing else, however, this story demonstrates the power of pedagogue networking.

The Student Has Become the Master

During the few years of teaching at my previous school, I had the privilege of teaching a very talented young man. This young man, who is now filming a television show in which he has a starring role, has been in several feature films and it is quite possible you have seen him in something before. In the years I taught him, I really did not teach him much because by that time, he had been in both feature films and Broadway shows. However, in an effort to look good in front of my new students, and when it was relevant, I tried to casually imply a positive correlation between my teaching and being famous:

F: "Hey, have you ever seen that movie _____ ? It's Awesome!"
Mr. F: "Actually, I taught one of the stars in that movie. Remember the character _____ ? He was a student of mine."
F: "Wow! That's awesome! And he was in that TV show ______ too!"
Mr. F: "Yeah, and he was in my band. No big deal."

(Pause)

K: "So wait, doesn't that mean your students are like, more successful than you are? That kinda sucks."

Yeah, it kinda does.

Sinners in the Hands of an Angry Band Teacher

In the same day, I found these two notes in instrument cases. They were left for future instrumentalists to discover, but only well after the identity of the authors could ever be discovered. In a way, they each contain the same gospel, though one speaks of fire and brimstone and the other of love and compassion...

"Dear L:

Treat this clarinet well, and I will reward you!
Love,
God"

"You better take care of this sax! If you break it, I will hunt you down and kill you. (Don't be the next H and show this to Mr. V.)
from,
Jesus"

Both the clarinet and saxophone were and still are broken.

Why so serious?

A revelation

(After listening to "Fanfare for the Common Man"):

S: "Are we going to play this song!? It was totally awesome!"
Mr. F (brief transition from chuckling to out-loud laughter): "No! This piece, not song, is way too hard for us."
A: "Hey! Did you just laugh?"
Mr. F: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to laugh at you, it's just that this is a really hard piece of music..."
A: "No I don't care about that. We've just never heard you laugh before."

Clever Girl

This note was taken off of a student during PM homeroom last week:

"KICK ME!!

Don't tell me this is on my back!"

I didn't.

Going Postal

For my annual Cleff sentence competition (which readers may recall from the past two years), I had two winners. I may add that these winners are not nearly as satisfying (for me, at least) as the past two years.

for Treble Clef:

Everyone Goes Berserk Dangerously Fast

for Bass Clef:

Get Bad Dads Far Away

Nothin' but a G thang

Some of you may be aware of my story and some of you may not. Sadly (if only for the quality of the contents of this blog), my tenure at a mediocre urban school has ended. I have moved on to what one might consider a "functional" school where students "learn" and teachers don't "hate" their lives. However, as I am still teaching kids ages 11 - 14, some of them are still poised to say the darndest things...

Here, I am getting orientation advice from an older student on how to help sixth graders:

Mr. F: "So, what would you tell a new sixth grader who asks what to do when he's lost? The building is big and scary."

G: "Well, I will tell them to do what I did, and that's that if you get lost, just follow the smart kids. You know, like the Asian ones. And you'll be fine."

Welcome back.

School's Out Forever

This past Friday was my last day of employment at my current (former?) school. Next year, I will be at a very different school in the very same city (this departure is on good terms for all parties involved). I don't plan on composing a summary of my experiences, nor do I have a culminating experience that typifies my tenure at the school. But this, my second year of blogging, began with an administrator, and here, 10 months later, ends with one as well:

A.P.: "Next year will be good for Mister F because he'll finally have a real job with real responsibilities."

Class dismissed.

Failblog

The end of the semester would be an appropriate time for another "Fun With Numbers" entry, but I find that the calculations are both depressing and redundant; many students fail my (and other) classes. That is old news. To keep things interesting, I recently asked colleagues for the various ways in which they have let students know that they had failed. Important pieces of information to keep in mind are that my school gives numerical grades,that anything below 65 is a failing grade, and that 55 is the lowest possible grade.

For occasions when a student speaks multiple languages:

"How do you say 'fifty-five' in (language here)? I want to get it right when your parents come up to school."

"How do you say 'Summer School' in (language here)?"

For other situations:

"Why are you asking what his grade is? His sixty has nothing to do with your fifty-five. You earned them separately."

"When your parents get your report card and ask why your grades are so bad, all you'll be able to say is, 'I plead the fifty-fifth!'"

"Tell me again, what grade is it you'll be repeating next year?"

"Hey, hey, don't worry about trying so hard right now. Just relax, because we'll have plenty of time to try again next semester."

I have only inserted one of my own. However, I have certainly borrowed almost all of these at one time or another.

Passing Notes, Part 3

This note was not intercepted in class, but rather left in the instrument storage room on the desk of my colleague:

To: The music teachers

From: Some Kid

Music sucks, Mr. J don't care, I HATE music

Music sucks, Mr. F don't care, I HATE music

Music sucks, Mr. J don't care, I HATE music

Music sucks, Mr. F don't care, I HATE music

8th grade sucks, that's the only people they care about

8th grade sucks, I don't like Mr. J and Mr. F

8th grade sucks, they think they are so perfect

8th grade sucks, (this) is a wack school

Forge Score and Seven Years Ago

Randomly, during an eighth grade graduation rehearsal, I had this conversation with one of my administrators. I think it's important to make note of the fact that I have not proctored, witnessed, or provided security for any middle school test in two years. Remember that this is an administrator; one of my bosses:

Ms. S: "Mr. F, could you come sign this?"

Mr. F: "Sure. What is this?"

Ms. S: "Oh this. It's just a paper saying we had test security. Which we did, I just need you to sign."

Mr. F: "But I didn't..."

Ms. S: "No, no I know. I just can't forge ALL of the signatures, you know? That would look bad, so I just need you to sign."

Beyond the Fail

The fact that music, as a subject, is not factored in to a student's GPA at times makes it difficult to use the idea of receiving a good or even a passing grade as an incentive for students to come to class, to behave in class, to not curse in class, etc.. One small weapon in my arsenal of incentives is that while music is not a weighted class, a passing music grade is required for a student to graduate from high school. Passing my class is really not difficult. I would say it is insultingly easy, and this is no blithe admission; I wish I could make it harder. To pass my class, you really just need to:

• show up on time (the class meets 3 times a week)
• have a pencil
• participate in class sometimes
• read basic rhythmic patterns
• do the 3 homework assignments assigned all semester

Seriously. I may as well just make the only requirement be having a pulse.

So I can't help but think it's comical that one student, N, has failed my class three times since I have been teaching (in other words, every semester that I have been teaching), and is well on his way to a fourth time. This was apparently news to him (though he averages 75% attendance, 100% tardiness, and 0% clue as to how to read music):

N (in front of the whole class): What I gotta do to pass your class! I come! I do work! I hit the drum, bang bang. Why I'm not passing your class?"

Mr. F: "We can discuss this in private. I'm not sure everyone needs to know your business."

N (continuing): "Why everyone else passes but not me? They talking to me about graduation next year, but they say I gotta pass your class. I failed three times now."

Mr. F: "Seriously, let's talk after class."

N (still ignoring me): "You're holding me back from my life! I know people that started with me that have masters degrees, but I'm stuck in your class! You're stopping me from getting on with my life!"

He'll be back in the music room next fall.

The Pig Picture

D can be described as the dumbest smart kid in the eighth grade; completely lacking in common sense, D has a knack for acing standardized tests while failing at putting together a saxophone (seriously; and it's only 3 pieces).  And it is now evident that he is well on his way to medical school:

D (hysterical and sobbing): "Mr. F, I can't play in the concert tomorrow!"

Mr. F:  "Is everything alright?  You seem really upset."

D:  "I'm sick, and won't be in school.  Does that mean I'm going to fail?"

Mr. F:  "Of course not, D.  If you're sick, you're sick.  No hard feelings, hope you get better."

D (unable to hold back tears):  "I have swine flu!"

Mr. F: "Why would you come to school if you knew that?"

D: "Well I haven't been to the doctor yet, but I'm pretty sure I do."

D was back in the school the day after the concert, well enough and just in time to attend the eighth grade class field trip.   At no point was he actually diagnosed by a medical professional with swine flue, bird flu, or any flu at all, for that matter.  He said the trip was "a lot of fun".

Pete and Repeat

Since it's May, the school likes to let parents and students know their status for promotion into the next grade level for next year,  so they can prepare for Summer school, a repeated grade, deportation back to Yemen, etc....

Out of 56 middle school band students, 21 of them are considered "promotion in doubt", or 37.5 percent.

Out of 34 high school general music students, 16 are considered "promotion in doubt", a staggering 47 percent.

Combined, this means that roughly 41 percent of my students are likely to repeat the grade that they are currently in.  Assuming this rate of failure applies to the entire 6 - 12 student body of 430 students (not an outlandish proposition), then this means that 176 students will be repeating a grade.  

At this rate of retention, the population of the school will be 200% over capacity in a mere 3 years.

Almost made it

Efforts to avoid classwork increase in direct correlation to the temperature.  A student of mine, H, attempted to leave class having written and signed a pass for himself (without permission, of course).  I intercepted the pass, though even if I hadn't, I'm quite sure his attempt would have still be unsuccessful:

"Pass to the labbarary for H and D"

After I confiscated the pass, he made another attempt, albeit a cryptic one:

"Door

Don't go out"

I'm not really sure.

Jumping the shark

I never thought my blog would come to this, but...

You might teach in an urban school if:

- The presidential inauguration is viewed on cable stolen from the police

- The Principal creates a lottery system with prizes because there is  40% absence rate on rainy days

- One standardized test is administered to five students in five different languages (English, Haitian Creole, Arabic, Spanish, and Chinese)

- During "random scanning" day with metal detectors, police finding three knives and two sets of brass knuckles is a "good" day

...and Big

My urban school is, sadly, no stranger to budget cuts.  Recently, funding for my after school Rock Band (similar to School of Rock, except  slightly less inspiring and much less productive) dissolved completely.  Breaking the bad news to my future rock stars was, in all seriousness, one of the worst experiences I have had as an educator.  Offering a poignant and succinct criticism of the situation was M, one of my most inspiring students:

Mr. F:  "I'm really sorry guys, I wish something could be done, but the school just can't afford it."

(pensive pause)

M:  "Well now what are we going to do, go rob people?"

Sinophilia

While covering another class, I saw examples of student work on the wall.  One assignment was to design a restaurant and menu, but I was only enticed by one establishment:

      C's Thai Restaurant:

Come try our RARE Chinese delicacies

Messing with the bull

Recently, to help provide my students with a better understanding of the development of their modern band instruments (and to relieve myself of teaching duties on a Friday), our ninth grade band took a field trip to a museum that features an entire wing dedicated to musical instruments.   To maximize student engagement and to minimize the chances of something very expensive getting broken, I prepared a fact scavenger hunt for my students.   While nothing blogworthy happened at the museum or even on the trip (which I can only assume is for the better),  I couldn't help but to laugh during the review session.

In response to the question, "What was the original purpose of the French Horn?", one student was not quite on the scent:

Y:  "Yeah, so the Horn was used for hunting right?  That's what it said, it said 'Used in the hunt'.  My only question is, how did they kill the animal with the horn?  Did they put it's head in the thingy and blow really hard or something?"

Social Mobility

This conversation is without question the funniest part of my year so far:

R: "But you don't even watch TV!"
Mr. F: "Well, that's really because I can't afford cable."
R: "Na, but people be livin' in the hood and still get cable."
Mr. F: "I live in the hood!"
R (laughing): "What hood you live in?"
Mr. F: "I live in neighborhood X"
R: "For real? That is the hood! Do you get scared walking home late at night, mista?"
Mr. F: "Not at all. I mean come on, look at me."
R: (laughing again) "Exactly. Look at you..."

Mr. F:  "Ha, ha. I actually feel pretty safe.  I just don't have cable."
R: (still laughing) "So wait. You did well in school, got a college scholarship, got a degree and then moved INTO the hood? Your life sucks!"

La Belle au Bois Dormant

In another teacher's (coincidentally, Mr. F's) ninth grade advisory class, the day's topic was "trust". I overheard the following:

Mr. F: "So, who else has a story about trust?"
A: "I do. One time, my mom was like, 'Do you trust me?', and I said, 'Okay'. Then she gave me this pill, and I woke up fourteen hours later."

Promise or Threat?

Seventh grade, after a failed attempt at achieving 1 minute of silence:


Mr. F: "Guys, I just don't get it. Why can't we just be quiet, absolutely no noise, for just one minute? Why are you so scared of silence?"

(Brief pause)

O: "Son! You should be scared walkin' home tonight."

I did make it home safely that day.

Oh no, Bono!

A, an eighth grade student featured elsewhere on this blog, is part of a (in my opinion) well intentioned school ambassadors program. A curious and perhaps cynical colleague of mine wanted to further understand the educational validity of such a program:

Mr. J: "I'm just asking A, what's an ambassador?"
A: "It's when we get out of class to go to meetings and then we..."
Mr. J: "No, no...in real life. For example, what does a Goodwill Ambassador do?"
A (after a long and thoughtful pause): "They are like the substitute president. Of the world."

Do as I say, not as I...say

At a recent science and social studies department meeting, discussion was focused on methods of enriching vocabulary and modeling proper grammar usage in the speaking and writing of our students (with the ultimate goal of raising test scores). The school's PSAT prep class teacher, when speaking of a particular student's outstanding score from this year, said, without hesitation:

"Based on the work he did in class, I'm not surprised he did good."

Memory lane

Some readers may recall a former student of mine, M, from last April's "You blue it", and "BlueTube". I like to think that M and I have made peace since that rather turbulent time; we've even had many pleasant exchanges in the past few months. However, at no point during those exchanges have we discussed either of the incidents that I wrote about previously. M, apparently, has not forgotten:

M(earnestly): "Mr. F? Okay, okay. All jokes aside. You really do look like Steve from Blues Clues."

Student Profile: S

The post "Special K" (December 1st, 2008), outlined the classwork policies of my school's technology teacher. I think, if only for the purposes of this blog, having written evidence of student (non)achievement is an educational priority. A sampling of the work that sixth grader S has submitted in technology class follows:

Assignment 1:
Write a 300 word composition comparing and contrasting two videos seen in class.

S's response:
The 2 video were good but the differents in that you can change the color...it's almost like a smart boared....it wasen't a touch screen.

Assignment 2:
Answer the following questions in complete sentences, providing evidence from the reading.
1. Who should use Touchlib?
2. How is Tbeta unique?

S's response:
1. to see how to use a touch screen
2. by being unique

Assignment 3:
What is your favorite video game? Describe which elements of game design discussed in class make the game enjoyable.

S's response:
My favorite game is grand theft auto., because the music is great, the mission is even beter. The object of the game is to get money for his sick brother. So you have to do mission that get you in a lot of troble by the police. The graphic is really cool. And the killing is cool.

To be fair to S, the third assignment can almost be considered complete and semi-coherent.

I now have reason to believe in educational karma, or irony at the very least: The original version of this post was to begin with the words "S is not my student...". I was informed just this morning that, at his mother's request, S is now officially a music student due to his "poor performance" in technology class.

This is only a test...

High-stakes standardized testing, a plague that affects most urban schools, I thought I would avoid by becoming a music teacher. Yet my school, persistent in destroying any remnants of my utopian educational philosophy, has, more frequently than I would like, recruited me as a proctor for these exams (totalling several days per year). For the sixth, seventh, and eighth grade classes (which each contain around 60 students), there are myriad "testing mods" that must be provided. Each student fits into one of the following categories (these divisive measures should provide rationale for the necessity of my impressment):

• Standard Time
• Standard Time x 1.5
• Standard Time x 1.5 + Directions read aloud
• Standard Time x 1.5 + Directions read aloud x 2
• Standard Time x 1.5 + Directions read aloud + Questions and Answers read aloud (for non-reading tests only)
  
• Standard Time x 1.5 + Directions read aloud x 2 + Questions and Answers read aloud (for non-reading tests only)
• Standard Time x 2
• Standard Time x 2 + Directions read aloud
• Standard Time x 2 + Directions read aloud x 2
• Standard Time x 2 + Directions read aloud + Questions and Answers read aloud (for non-reading tests only)
• Standard Time x 2 + Directions read aloud x 2 + Questions and Answers read aloud (for non-reading tests only)

Even with all of this help, only about 41% of students met or exceeded standards on last year's exam.

Pot? Meet kettle.

Some students often find difficulty in understanding that their teachers are human beings susceptible to occasional spells of anger, rage, and frustration. While this blog is composed almost exclusively of student contributions, I thought it might be a good idea to give a written account of educator fallibility. While I am as guilty as any other teacher, these quotations are not entirely my own, but are instead a survey of many teachers' verbal gaffes:

"There's no f*cking cursing in my room, get it!?"

"You know, there's a dictionary over there. Find the word 'sociopath'. I think you should look it up."

"I need you to let me help you! I can help you. Him (pointing)? I can't help him. The type of help he needs, I'm not qualified to give."

"Can you move your seat over there, please? This space is for students. The pouty baby section is over there."

And my favorite...

"I'm never helping you again! You were a waste of your parents' good sex!"

Music Ed Medley

In my opinion, none of the following pieces of conversation are worthy of their own post. However, I think collectively, they offer a pastiche that provides some keen insight into the "music education" that occurs at my school. I use that term loosely.


D is an eighth grader with multiple years of instrumental playing experience...

D: "I don't get it. If this is G, what is this note? (points to first ledger line above the treble clef)"
Mr. F: "Well, what note comes after G?"
D (earnestly): "H."
Mr. F: "Have you ever played an 'H' before?"
D: "Oh, oh, oh. A"
Mr: F: "Right, it always starts over again at A"
D: "Wait, it goes in order!? I been thinkin' this whole time that they were just like random letters!"

A is a sixth grader who has played clarinet for 3 months...

Mr. F: "We're on exercise 17"
A: "I don't know what note to start on. It doesn't say it in my book"
Mr. F: "Right there in the first measure, what note is that?"
A: "An E"
Mr. F: "Okay, so there you are."
A: "Yeah, but what note do I play?"

E is an eighth grader, new to band this year:

E: "Aight, aight. Ima be honest. Da only reason I wanted to be in band was for da girls. I didn't know it'd be so much work, son!"